Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I can not beleive it has beem since July that I have written here but I guess time flies when you are having fun. I am a week away from surgery Oct 1st. and I am unsure how I am feeling. I think is like my hair loss. I am okay with the idea of no hair or no breast but I am unsure how I will react. Losing my hair was difficult because I could not hide the fact that I was sick. No hair ment something was wrong- I could no longer hide behind my smile. Now, they will take my breast. I am not attatched to it- I never had a second thought when I was diagnosed I knew regardless of what they said I was having both removed I was going to do this once and beat it and never look back.But everytime I see my body from now on I will know I was sick. I will be happy the cancer is out of my body. But unsure how I will feel about all the rest. Sometimes I am afraid that when treatment will stop I will be unable to get my old life back. I do not want to live my life as the "girl who has cancer" I want to be able to go back to being that loud mouth who has an opinion about everything.

The other thing that has been driving me crazy. Is that no matter where I turn someone has died of cancer or there is a show about breast cancer or on a show someone dies of some kind of cancer. I know it is just because I am more aware but sometimes I would like it to not be in my face. If I can live in my little bubble I can get on with my day- stay strong and be positive.
I have had so many positive things come out of this experience. I know that sounds strange it feels strang saying it but I have had so many people reach out and touch me and my family that it is hard not to see the positive in that.

I don;t if I have ever said this here in my blog but when I was preparing for pink ribbon night at the feild i knew i would g=have to speak and thank all those who attended.When I was preparing my notes I reliezed something that had never entered my mind before. I like most people hope that the church is filled with people when I die because that would mean I touched people in my life. But what I realized, is that I have a life that is full of people and that it does not matter how many people are there in my death but how many are in my life. I have learned a great lesson enjoy the people in your life everyday.